So I have been sitting in my feelings for a long time now. I feel I have so many questions and no one to answer them for me. I have been having a terrible time dealing with my moms passing. Life now is so different and loud now! My mom was my safe spot, my comfort zone, and of course my best friend. My anxiety has been to another level and very hard to manage. It has been taking over my life the past two years. I see that its not fair to my body to be feeling this much pain. It’s not fair to my daughters seeing the sad version of myself almost everyday. It’s not fair to my husband, family, and friends that want to be there for me. I know for a fact that my mom would not want me to be living my life like this. So now I am trying to stop….take a deep breathe and evaluate my thoughts.
I am learning now that I need to stay in the present moment. I can’t change the past (unfortunately )I know that I will still have my extreme sad moments but I have to try to think of positive memories than flooding my head with all the traumatic ones. I have to keep telling myself my mom is happy when I am happy and she is sad when I am sad. Just like any mother would feel for their child. I need to show her I can have a happy life and show my daughters a great life as well. Even writing this though it makes me sad to write a sentence to be happy and move on without my mom. It burns really bad. This process has and will not be easy for me but I am trying so hard!
One of my biggest goals is to learn about mindfulness. I want to learn to have more control over my thoughts. I want to learn to always turn a negative situation into a positive situation. The negative thoughts have been consuming me for so long and my body deserves a break. My life deserves to be a good one. The world is so beautiful and I want to focus on actually seeing it and experience it with the family that I built with my husband. Our family deserves that.
Life is extremely short and I have always known this, but seeing it first hand to people your so close to it just makes it that much more real. So taking that in is a lot for me but I need to realize I only have one life and I need to make it the happiest. I can even if i feel like I have been dealt a shitty hand. I also was given a lot of gifts in life that I am very thankful for and will try to keep my focus on that…..